the authors that shaped me

and the many reasons why i love them

Esje’s note: This is a bit of a longer newsletter and cuts off on e-mail — best read in-app/on Substack to see it in full.

As I grow older, books and movies have started to occupy a bigger part of my life.

It’s funny.

I’m an adult now with real life experiences and responsibilities, yet I continue to turn to, now more than ever, to the written word and the visual arts to help me navigate the complexities of life and human relationships.

Thank God for the arts.

I’ll keep this introduction short (as this entire post has already crossed the 3,000-word mark — my longest one to date. Woops. ) — here are the authors that have shaped me, and continue to shape me during my formative adulthood years:

Ocean Vuong 

Favorite Book: On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous

Books read: On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, Night Sky With Exit Wounds, Time is a Mother

Favorite Quote:

“Here. That’s all I wanted to be. I promise.”

If you’ve known me personally or you’ve followed my book account (@seigf.read — bookstagram) – my love for Ocean Vuong has long been documented.

On the commute home, four weeks after my first-ever read of what was to become my favorite book of all time, I was on page 153 of my reread of On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous. The train wasn’t full as it was a late work day, so I had a seat to myself for the long ride home. I found myself whispering as I read a poem that lived inside Ocean’s novel “Trevor rusted pickup and no license…” – a chapter that I read in passing during my first encounter with the book but now seemed to hypnotize me. 

There was an extra weight to the passage now. Words that demanded speaking. Less than a month from my first read, and there I was reliving the beauty of Ocean’s work.

I am never one to consider plot as an important prerequisite to a great novel, as in this case. Vuong himself put it perfectly, “I could not employ the plot-heavy strategy because I needed these people to exist as they are, full of stories but not for a story.” and "When you surrender plot, you gain actual people."

I’ve read all of his works a minimum of three times already – a whole lot more for his novel.

For a split-second there, I wanted to say there’s nothing more I can say that I haven’t said before but that would be untrue. I don’t think I'll ever run out of stories. But this is not the right avenue for me to gush over my all-time favorite author’s works, all of which I consider perfect in their own right.

Ocean as an author reinvented my love for both literature, but also a gratitude for life and being. I will forever be grateful for the privilege of being seen by an author in many parts of my identity.

Sally Rooney

Favorite Book: Normal People

Books Read: Normal People, Conversations with Friends, Beautiful World Where are You

Favorite Quote:

“And in that way even the bad days were good, because I felt them and remembered feeling them. There was something delicate about living like that – like I was an instrument and the world touched me and reverberated inside me.”

An interesting story I love to tell when it comes to Sally Rooney is that every single one of her novels never went beyond a 4.0 star rating for me – most were just 3.5 star reads upon first read.

Yet, every single one of them lived on my mind far longer than most books I would even consider favorites during that period (and trust me, taking up real estate in my mind is a difficult thing to do – there are far too many things happening, and not happening, in there).

Picking up Beautiful World, Where are You upon release. I was ecstatic. I knew I didn’t love her works upon first read – but at this point, I was already obsessed with them. Normal People and it’s simple yet perfectly executed narrative. The messiness of our quartet in Conversations with Friends.

I probably won’t need to get used to Beautiful World, Where are You anymore, right? Wrong. It was another 3.5 star read, and took me so long to read and get through. I just couldn’t understand what everyone was gushing about as I found it disjointed and disconnected.

But in typical Rooney fashion, the next few months, I found myself constantly thinking about the many characters and passages from the book – until one day, a good friend of mine posted her review with her favorite passages and I decided I had to give it another try.

So I reread the book, and it clicked. As Rooney did in the past.

And I reread all of her books some more, and find the brilliance in simplicity of Rooney’s works.

(still salty about not getting an Intermezzo ARC but whatever)

Patti Smith

Favorite Book: M Train

Books Read: M Train, Just Kids

Favorite Quote:

“Without a doubt we sometimes eclipse our own dreams with reality.”

The first time I encountered Patti Smith was not through her music. Everyone was fawning over her beautiful book – “Just Kids”, a love letter to artists, some like to call it. Suffice to say I was intrigued.

Walking around my favorite bookstore back in Manila on a random work day, I saw M Train and recognized Patti’s name. “It’s not so easy writing about nothing”, I recall encountering on one of the first pages – I was sold.

I brought the book home, went to my favorite cafe that evening, and devoured it all in one night. It seems to be a trend with my favorite authors, and my favorite books. Theirs are books that defy the number of hours in a day and whatever sense of reading slump I may be in. The world conspires for me to be consumed by their brilliance.

I consider Patti Smith like a big sister in spirit (duh, esje). Reading her books always feels like two old friends or siblings who haven’t seen each other for years and catching up, feeling like no time has passed.

There is a strange, yet beautiful comfort to her writing that slows time down, and nothing much else matters. In turn, observing the world with more intentional eyes, placing meaning where we see fit.

We all know Patti Smith for the artistic legend that she is – showing up and thriving across many forms of art. From being a singer, song-writer, poet, photographer, painter, etc – a woman that lives up to her rockstar status.

Kazuo Ishiguro

Favorite Book: N/A — too difficult to choose (Never Let Me Go is a sentimental favorite)

Books read: Never Let Me Go, Remains of the Day, Pale View of Hills, Klara and the Sun, Artist of the Floating World

Favorite Quote:

“What is the point of worrying oneself too much about what one could or could not have done to control the course one's life took? Surely it is enough that the likes of you and I at least try to make our small contribution count for something true and worthy. And if some of us are prepared to sacrifice much in life in order to pursue such aspirations, surely that in itself, whatever the outcome, cause for pride and contentment.”

Never Let Me Go was such a beautiful movie to me. I watched the movie first before even finding out anything about the book, or even Kazuo Ishiguro. Those who have seen the movie would understand that it is a work that is best consumed with little to no knowledge on the narrative as possible – so hearing about the love for the book and Ishiguro didn’t really entice me as much as it should since I already know the story.

Thank god for my reading slump during a University retreat – my trusty Kindle and I (yup, I used to almost exclusively read on my kindle) in search of a book to get rid of my slump. Starting and stopping almost ten different books until I decided to give Never Let Me Go a try.

There is one thing that always stands out with an Ishiguro book, one that I experienced in those first few pages alone. An atmosphere that beautifully captures the melancholy of our daily lives. The narrative, which not necessarily took the backseat, but made way for the experience of being consumed by his works .

More impressively, doing this across a myriad of genres, some of which I’m not as well-read on yet, would always go out of my way to read if I know it’s written by him.

I’ve grown a lot with Ishiguro, having first read him almost a decade ago at this point — discovering and rediscovering his works throughout the years has been an absolute pleasure.

Aside from Haruki Murakami, Kazuo Ishiguro is up there as one of the authors who I have read the most books from (not including rereads), and also the author that’s hardest for me to pick a favorite from, with a bibliography so diverse yet so consistently good.

Dennis Cooper

Favorite Book: The Slut

Books read: The Slut, Closer, Frisk

Favorite Quote: N/A (lost my Kindle highlights, need to reread — but Cooper’s works are more about their themes, rather than simple quotes).

It felt like a crime, my first time reading The Sluts by Dennis Cooper.

At my neighborhood cafe, one weekend evening back in Manila – relying on my kindle as I couldn’t seem to find a physical copy of this anywhere I go, I had my first ever Dennis Cooper experience. I finished it in one sitting. Not sure if that was a good idea or not.

I finished The Sluts feeling like I needed a deep cleanse from anything even mildly disturbing — maybe a light-hearted book for my next one?

I went and looked for a copy of his other books and proceeded to read two of them in the next week. Dear lord can someone please check in on my brain and logic.

What can I do, he had me hypnotized.

The ability to be able to write some of the most disturbing, disgusting, and grotesque works of fiction – yet do it with so much intention and depth, rather than just mere shock factor, is something that will continue to impress me when it comes to Dennis Cooper’s writing.

Clarice Lispector

Favorite Book: Passion According to GH

Books read: Hour of the Star, The Apprenticeship, Near to the Wild Heart, Passion According to GH

Favorite Quote:

“Holding someone's hand was always my idea of joy. Often before falling asleep - in that small struggle not to lose consciousness and enter the greater world - often, before having the courage to go toward the greatness of sleep, I pretend that someone is holding my hand and I go, go toward the enormous absence of form that is sleep. And when even then I can't find the courage, then I dream.”

“Obsessed with the desire to be happy I lost my life.”

Lispector is the last part of this post I decided to write. I feel like anything I write will be inadequate in capturing the complexity and brilliance of Lispector.

Her works are not ones I can easily read on a random day, or when I’m on a reading slump. Each book I’ve read of hers came with clear intention that I am in search of something that I can truly sink my teeth into and allow myself to be consumed by.

Lispector’s works are not easy reads. Far from it. Plenty of the books I’ve mentioned here, I had to drop and revisit during different times as I would be doing both Lispector and I a disservice of trying to power through her work when I’m not in the mental state to do so (case in point: Agua Viva a few weeks ago).

Alas, if you find yourself looking for a work that provides you an infinite number of philosophical questions, those that would sometimes cross your mind but you never spend more than a second lingering on — and most, if not all, of them left unanswered. Lispector is your author.

Ali Smith

Favorite Book: Autumn

Books read: Spring, Autumn, How to be Both

Favorite Quote:

“Cause nobody's the slightest idea who we are, or who we were, not even we ourselves - except, that is, in the glimmer of a moment of fair business between strangers, or the nod of knowing and agreement between friends.

It remains to be seen whether going against the order of the Seasonal Quartet will work in my favor, or impact my reading experience negatively. But what could I do? It was Spring. It called to me.

Reading ‘Spring’ under the cherry blossoms by Shimokitazawa, Tokyo is a memory I will always associate with her — my first Ali Smith during my first experience of spring.

I’m sure you’ve heard it plenty of times before, a consistent sentiment when it comes to Ali Smith — her experimental and unique writing truly is unlike anything. Constantly challenging the notion of how a novel should be written and flow. It’s always a fine line that she’s toeing, yet she always delivers — both in form and substance.

There is so much life and hope and beauty in the way Ali Smith views the world — recognizing the many realities, both the good and bad, that exist in our daily lives (the way she handles social and political realities is one that I don’t experience much from other authors), but most especially (and this is my personal bias) the way she captures the beauty of human relationships and emotions.

Caleb Azumah Nelson

Favorite Book: Small Worlds

Books read: Open Water, Small Worlds

Favorite Quote:

It feels like a quiet life, but it’s mine. I’ve tried to build my own small world in the vastness, and it’s helping: I’m feeling more and more like the person I was, or the person I might become.

I believe in you, son. Your mother too, she always did. She would be proud. And at this, I’m overcome. Maybe this is all we need sometimes, for someone else to believe in the possibilities you see for yourself.

Another Sally Rooney situation.

I remember it vividly. It’s the New Year, stuck inside my room in Phuket, Thailand quarantining after a two-week trip to Paris (a very long story) — I had one of the most productive reading months of my life. 10 books.

Open Water was one of them — and I’m embarrassed to say I gave it 3-3.5 stars. It was a beautiful story yet the beauty of its prose took me away from its narrative, there was a disjointedness to it that made me feel the writing too much.

Ironic, considering I adore gorgeous prose that tend to border on being, as some would call it, too poetic.

2024, A few years later, Small Worlds comes out and I decided to give Caleb Nelson another try. I fell in love, I was consumed — one of my first five stars of the year and I needed more of his prose.

I decided to give Open Water another try and I might have read it at the wrong time — because I understood people’s love for it now. I had more time to be present and focused on my reading (unlike my first read), and bumped it up to 4.5 stars (Small Worlds is still my favorite).

Getting through Small Worlds is one of those reading experiences that make me grateful for literature and its ability to tap into something deep inside of me that I only ever get through reading.

A keen understanding of the human condition, whether it be one that helps me understand myself or another person whose life is drastically different from mine.

Jon Fosse

Favorite Book: Septology

Books read: Septology

Favorite Quote:

“I just keep the mistakes and let them be wrong, because it’s often the mistakes that eventually lead to something right”

Yes, I only started reading Jon Fosse a month ago.

Yes, I’ve only read one of his works (well, technically, 3 books in 7 parts but whatever)

Yes, I am sure that I adore him as an author. I’m not taking any more questions.

Joke aside – Septology was unlike any reading experience I’ve had so far. Redefining the form and function of literature in my life.

Late June evenings consumed by the 800-page monologue of Jon Fosse – there were many reasons why I would love this book on paper. There were equally many reasons I wouldn’t like it (please give my brain line breaks thank you). But I wouldn’t change any of it.

Perfection in style, story, and substance.

Septology became an end of day meditation that canceled out the noise of my busy, stressful days, taking me to the quiet calm of wintry days in Norway. It is a novel that continues to live in my mind weeks after I finished reading it, missing the little prayer I get to make as each of the seven parts end. There is so much intention in the words Jon Fosse writes and I’m excited to obsess over Melancholy I-II which I’m forcing myself to hold off as a winter read.

Billie-Ray Belcourt

Favorite Book: Coexistence

Books read: Coexistence, A Minor Chorus

Favorite Quote:

“I write because I've read and been moved into a position of wonder. I write because I've loved and been loved. I want to find out what "we" or "us" I can walk into or build a roof over. To hold hands with others, really. To be less alone.”

Witnessing tenderness in a book is such an unparalleled reading experience. There is something to be said with the gentleness and love that is encapsulated in moments so delicate — more than anything aggressively happy or sad, it is moments of tenderness that usually brings my tear ducts to work.

“I’m having a Billy-Ray Belcourt Summer” I’ve been jokingly saying in the past few weeks — tender, delicate, queer, and anti-colonial. Though if I really sit down with it, that’s not too far off from the kind summer I hope to embody (Ignoring the fact that I live in Bangkok where the typical Summer period is actually a little cooler than our scorching April and May).

The intimacy and specificity of being both Queer and Cree brings about a unique perspective that provides kind eyes from a marginalized community while also elevating its universality through the empathetic eyes Belcourt uses to observe the people and world around him.

So yes, Billy-Ray Belcourt, a wonderful Queer Cree author/poet whose works I am quickly devouring, is the most recent addition to this list.

An addition that I didn’t even have to think twice about.

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That concludes it — the authors who have shaped me, and continue to shape me. Try as I might, this list still excludes plenty of other authors who I still hope to reread, I’ve read only one book from, or I have yet to really sit down to revisit.

Authors such as: Qiu Miaojin, Philippe Besson, Fernando Pessoa, etc.

Suffice to say, it’s as complete as it can be for now. But maybe I’ll revisit it again in the future, who knows.

What about you? Who are the authors who have shaped you! I would love to know.

from our usual spot,

esje

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