musings — on growing older
i. i’m just a 7 year old adult
I forget that I often spend my birthday on the verge of tears.
Birthday blues have kept me company for the past decade of getting older. There’s a recent seriousness that accompany each passing year since my 23rd birthday. Another crossed out year. Another reminder of time’s passing. I’m getting older.
Although that doesn’t sound too accurate.
I once looked forward to getting older.
Seven-year-old esje with the world as his oyster. Just him and his many big dreams with all the time in the world to achieve them.
I’m 26 now. 19 years since I first dreamed my many big dreams. I don’t think I’ve really registered how much time has passed since then.
I’ve achieved some of my dreams, some I’ve laid to rest.
But what my 7 year old self didn’t even consider is that he dreamed so limitedly. That the many things that bring him joy in the here and now are not even things he ever bothered thinking about.
I’m 26 now, still a child by adulthood standards. If 20 was the start, i’m basically a 7 year old adult. The age I started dreaming, but maybe I get to start dreaming differently now.
(Nobody reply about my frontal lobe being fully developed — I have 18 more years to go my by own calculation thank you very much).
ii. dreaming differently
When I first wrote this reflection, life was playing a silly little prank on me. I was having a bit of a mental block, and work was occupying my mind. I didn’t have much space for reflection.
So I took a pencil and a little notebook I found at home, so I could reflect a bit more traditionally. Lo and behold, it is now the very inspiration that kicked off what is now this little essay.
No, it wasn’t because I resorted to pen and paper. (It did help, though!)
What was in the notebook were little year-end messages I wrote down for my friends during my solo trip back to Sapporo, where I spent my 2024 New Year. A little notebook that never reached the hands of my dearest friends because I thought I lost it while overseas.
It decided to show up that day, when I started writing this newsletter. A wonderful reminder of the very people that make growing older such a joy.
It is 8:20 AM on the morning of my birthday, and I want to celebrate it the best way I know how—in love.
I’m here in Bangkok, the city I get to call home. I’m sat on my bed in calm anticipation of the day’s events — time to read, write, climb, and enjoy an evening with my friends. It’s nothing inherently special, it’s my usual weekend agenda. But it’s a routine built around the things I love, the people I love.
I’m here in Bangkok, but I’m also here living a long-time dream. So I pause. I let the little 7 year old me catch-up and just take reality in. We get used to life too fast.
It’s now almost 11PM. Good 3 hours reading and writing, 6 hours at my climbing gym’s first anniversary, and capping off the night with my lovely friends. In my personal inbox sit mini love letters from my dearest family and friends. On @seigf.read, friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike with the most heartfelt messages greeting me for my birthday. I haven’t read them in full, I want to be able to sit down on a quieter morning to absorb all of it.
All this to say, I look around at my life and see a life built on love. I look around at my life, and I see love personified.
Long-distance friendships that always feel close despite the sparseness of visits and catch-ups. Introducing my friends to each other, and in turn, them falling in love with each other. Spontaneous calls for important life updates because I have to be the first to know. TikTok and Reel spams that I don’t reply to for months but they continue to send them anyway. Sunday brunch invites because we both overslept and it’s already 1PM (lunch might be more accurate). The sound of my friends talking with that specific tone of joy (they deserve it so much). Friends asking “have you had dinner?” because they know i sometimes forget to. Friends that always pick up when I call. Mom and dad’s random check-ins. My little sister’s school successes. Our little doggo back home. So many more.
Scrolling through my (120,000+) photos and videos on my phone, I get to see the many seasons my life has gone through, and the many versions I have been.
Scrolling through, I see the bits and pieces of memory of the things I love, of the people I love. Across the many seasons of my life.
I don’t ever want to get used to this.
This was never even a factor for the dreamer in my 7 year old self. It was all about the places to see and milestones to reach. How silly of him. But what’s all of that without the people? — so I’ll continue to dream the big dreams, but maybe I get to dream a little differently now.
So yes, I do spend most of my birthday on the verge of tears. But I’m also in a perpetual smile.
Waking up each day in beaming anticipation for the simple things that I love. Of the people that I love, near or far.
So I hold on to my memories, and I hold on to them tight. That’s why I take photos, and that’s why I write. I want to remember dearly every single version of myself that has come before me, every season of my life I have gone through, and every moment I’ve shared with the people I love.
So maybe growing older isn’t so bad after all, especially when it looks like the face of the company I choose to keep.
snapshots — hello july
Little note: this ‘weekly snapshot’ will transition into a biweekly frequency instead for more substantial updates (I don’t read that fast, nor watch that many movies). Alternating weeks will now be other musings, snapshots that I’d like to share or talk about, so the Sunday newsletter—nay, Sunday Paper, will still be on schedule.
July kicked off to a very exhausting start, primarily from work. I didn’t really have much space to think, or plan, or reflect. I was on auto-pilot just trying to make it to the evening (and/or weekend). So i’ll keep this snapshot section short lest I bore you.
But let me do a quick snapshot of July 6, at the very least:
3 hours reading and writing at my favorite brunch spot, 6 hours (yup) climbing since it was my favorite gym’s anniversary (we’re meant to be), and 3 hours having wine with my lovely friends. Again, I spent my birthday the best way I know how —in love.
Quick run-through on the media and moments that lived with me this week:
Books: (goodreads)
Spending my birthday in poetry. I read and reread both of these collections extensively in the past week. They’re just what the birthday doctor prescribed.
Bluets by Maggie Nelson (re-read) — I think I fell in love with this collection far more this time around. The parallels and the underlying themes started popping out more, and it just got bumped up to 5 stars (from 4 stars previously).
Night Sky with Exit Wounds (re-read) — the previous newsletter was literally a love letter to this poem so that should tell you everything. I’m still mid re-read so probably finishing this in the coming week.
Movies: (letterboxd)
Taxi Driver by Martin Scorsese - my first time watching this well-loved classic and wowza! That was a movie experience, what a privilege to be able to see it on the big screen.
Comrades: Almost a Love Story by Peter Chang - a Hong Kong film I love and adore, I’ve watched this before but will be seeing this at my local cinema tonight (on the big screen, for the first time!)
Music: (spotify)
We remain to be on a very deep trance by the marvelous Rachel Chinouriri, and started listening to a lot more Ryan Beatty as well. (I have to especially shout out “Maybe I’m Lonely” by Rachel Chinouriri for being the song that was stuck in my head almost daily this week).
There you have it. 26, and a whole more life to go.
How about you? How did your week go!
Let the comment section below be your little public journal. Any thoughts that have lived in your mind, and the media that have lived with you?
same time next week?
from our usual spot,
esje
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“So maybe growing older isn’t so bad after all, especially when it looks like the face of the company I choose to keep.” Esje 🥹
(I thought that you would like to know that I read this beautiful essay of yours as I wait for the one and only Patti Smith to start her concert, I’ll be celebrating for the both us !!)
Happy birthday!! I am loving the concept of being a 7yr old adult. It gives so much hope of how we are just beginning our adulthood. And the way we are desiring more simpler life filled with love is the sign of us growing up.
And I loved today's letter. 💌✨