another year of learning and relearning

realizing 'beautiful world, where are you' is my favorite rooney in the process

I’ve always found it complicated to reflect on the lessons and learnings that i’ve come to encounter in my everyday life — they tend to lean intimate, and personal. I mean, what lesson isn’t borne out of our own unique experiences? More importantly, they are never a one size fits all learning and I fear being misunderstood (god forbid this sounds like some self-help bs).

As I always say — take what you need, and leave the rest.

I’m guessing they’ve never had to reflect on their existence.

So, in no particular order, here goes an incomplete, stream-of-consciousness list of the learnings that stuck with me this 2024.

Esje’s note: Writing this made me realize how impactful Beautiful World, Where are You is to my life, and how closely it aligns to my principles and values. A whole lot of quotes from the book ahead.

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the existential

the least you can do is to show up for yourself

There’s an analogy I’ve been using these last few months, it’s not a perfect one but I think you’ll get the point. I go out of my way to get things done for the career that sustains my life — occupying space in my mind even outside of hours that i’m paid for. Yet, I always fall short on the things and people that actually give me life.

Reading the books on my never-ending TBR. Writing and rambling about the many thoughts that occupy my mind. Sharing my love for books on my creative outlets. Pursuing passion projects I care about. All of which I have struggled to stay consistent in doing, despite knowing how good and healthy they are for me.

Instead, my time wasted rotting and procrastinating every chance I get.

I deliver for my job, but I fall short on my life. Yes, I get paid to do my job — but this is also my one and only life, who loses if I can’t show up for the things and people I love? What will I look back on 30, 40, 50 years from now? Decks and Spreadsheets?

In the end, the system—capitalism wins. All I’m left with is a career that sustains my livelihood, but leaves my life behind.

I get it, it’s easier to deliver on responsibilities when we are held accountable by another— whether it be managers, coworkers, friends, family. But it seems like we forget about the person we owe the most — ourselves.

This is a reminder I need to keep in mind every time I fall back into my rotting patterns.

It goes without saying that not everyone has the privilege to think about building a life that they’re content with, when even paying for rent and putting food on the table is already a primary concern for some — and if that’s already what showing up for yourself means in this part of your life, that is more than enough.

stop, and appreciate — moments, but especially, people

It’s been 20 months since I moved my entire life from Manila to Bangkok, leaving a whole life of friends and family behind, building many new ones in the process. I used to fear what this would entail.

I worry that it’s human nature to get used to things and take for granted the very things we value the most. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

There’s a passage from “Past Lives” I adore.

When you leave something behind, you gain something too.

I hold on to this passage tightly.

There’s an intentionality gained through leaving a life behind. The very act itself, leaving what is familiar and comfortable behind. You discover, brick by brick, who and what really matters to you.

Whenever I sit down and think about it, there is a strange contentment to the life I’ve built since then— echoing my favorite passage of all time: “Here. That’s all I wanted to be. I promise” by Ocean Vuong. This is not some toxic positivity rambling — life is not perfect, many stressors plague my everyday (my friends can vouch, they’ve gotten an earful of it). But life has been baseline good.

It’s strange for me to type out—I am content— as I have a long mental list of goals I long to accomplish. I do think both can coexist (I’ve always considered us— beings of contradictions). I have to remind myself of this every single day. That when I get too caught up with the pressures of everyday life — there are many more things I am already grateful for. I tend to forget that.

Funnily enough, even moving away has strengthened a lot of my relationships. My friends from back home always joke that they see me more than they see friends who live in the same city — and I agree. Time spent together with friends and family back home have become a scarcity. Hundreds, and thousands of miles become a test of keeping in touch, so you take every chance you get. You block off whole days to spend time and catch up. You are as present as you can be. I wish it didn’t have to take leaving to come to such a realization.

Alas, we take too many things, and people, in this life for granted.

Life’s too short, friends. Look it straight in the eye with all the gratitude you can muster (I understand that sometimes it can be very little, that’s okay too), and remember to show people you love that you love them.

document your life, and do it for you— journal, voice memo, photos, videos

My friend asked me what pulls me to document a lot (even ‘a lot’ might be an understatement) — I do realize the flack it gets, live in the moment and all (ehem, You Don’t Need To Document Everything).

I pulled up my phone and showed her a video I took two winters back, one that I mentioned in my article: i'm trying to get to the heart of things

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On that walk home, I pulled out my phone at 2 a.m., the heavy snow slowing down enough to let me use my fingers long enough to get to the Camera app. I recorded myself saying:

“Esje, I know in a couple of weeks, a couple of months you will think to yourself ‘did I really appreciate my time there for what it was? was i grateful at that very moment? did i understand how special that was?’ This is me telling you that you are fully living it. You are so happy and grateful and appreciative even if you look back and think you could’ve been more present. Whatever the hell that means.”

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She mentioned something that stuck to my mind since: “It’s like you’re having a conversation with your past/future self” — and I think that captures it perfectly. It made me think how beautiful it would be, years from now, to look back at these photos and videos, especially ones that I keep for myself, like a special gift from my previous self.

It immediately brought me to the thought of looking back at a video from my 7-year old self, which brings me so much melancholy— because it doesn’t exist.

But I’m starting now, and with the little I have — I get to live a life of presence whilst being able to preserve these moments the best I can.

small worlds by caleb azumah nelson

I have a deep fear of forgetting — the big, grand, moments, but especially the small details of my life. There’s a beautiful bittersweetness that comes with holding onto a memory knowing you’ll never replicate the exact feeling and experience again, but being able to reminisce it — realizing that its beauty is also in its transience.

But I do recognize the slippery slope — you document for yourself, then you decide to post, then it becomes a performance of curation and aesthetics, and then it consumes you. The big discourse of social media. But I fear it misses the point.

Documenting your life—through whatever means you deem fit— is an act of remembering. Find what works for you. It does not have to mean taking the perfect photo, posting everything, writing beautifully, getting the right angle. Those take away from the essence.

It’s to simply remember, to come as close to capturing the essence of a moment.

assuming the worst in people is a depressing way to live

This is not really a lesson I learned in 2024, but one that I have to constantly remind myself of. Everywhere I look, people desperate to misunderstand each other. What a depressing, awful way to live.

I went through college annoying my best friend by constantly saying “always come from a place of understanding”. This not some form of signaling that I’m some good samaritan. There’s a selfishness to this statement — I fear the day comes when I make a mistake and people assume my ignorance for ill intent. I hope against all hope that by giving people grace, I’m given the same in return.

It’s also one of the many outcomes of reading a diverse collection of fiction, putting myself in shoes I would never live through. More than anything, it provides me the perspective that I really don’t know much, or anything even, about the inner workings of other people, aside from my own (and even that is up for debate).

Before anyone comes for me — the key word here is assuming. Remember, the world is not out to get you. You’re not that important — and that’s a good thing.

you’re not that important — that’s a good thing.

I give full credit to Bon Iver’s Holecene during my angsty teenage years for deflating my ego— and at once I knew, I was not magnificent.

Who else here have watched those existential-crisis-inducing videos about how small of a speck we are in the grander context of the universe?

We are so so so so so so so so so so so tiny, so small, and so minuscule. I don’t even think any word in the english language comes close to describing how insignificant we are in the grander scheme of things.

How freeing of a thought.

I subscribe by the belief that life has no inherent meaning. I mean, that’s nothing groundbreaking— optimistic nihilism, if you want to put a label on it.

Don’t get me wrong, I consider my life valuable and meaningful — but I give it meaning. We give it meaning.

Nothing matters in and of itself, but we make it matter, especially in relation to each other. This is something Sally Rooney beautifully captures in Beautiful World, Where are You— that in a world where there are bigger priorities and issues to worry about, we worry and care about one another, whether it be in a grander scheme of societal issues, or even more personal ones.

We make this life important, there’s a clear difference there. Sometimes I think we get too caught up in trying to search for life’s meaning, and our importance, that we forget to live it.

lean into the cringe. it doesn't have to make sense to everyone.

My spirit animal is the meme “I am cringe, but I am free”, and I think really capturing the essence of that meme unlocked an IDGAF mentality that, while easier said than done, is a wonderful reminder that it’s really not that serious.

Stop trying to abide by other people’s expectations of you.

To everyone else: Let people live. There is no rule book on how to live life, please stop imposing what you consider important and relevant on others.

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Leaving the seriousness aside, here are some more personal ones that I’ve come to appreciate in the past year.

the practical / stupid